Thursday, December 31, 2009

Box Broken

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

My move is to trust with all of my heart. Then He makes my path straight. Three components: Trust God alone. All of my heart. He straightens. I don't straighten my path, ever. He does. I trust, He straightens. Oh, how I live days upon days trying instead of trusting.

Last week I received this text from a frustrated friend: "I wish that he would just share life and not try to be someone in a non-reality existence that he's created in his head." Exchanging his greatest desire for relationship for the fantasy of perfection that never exists. He lives isolated, but safe.

I can relate. I struggle with trying to construct how I am supposed to live my life, especially in relationships, and I miss the more simple bliss of just sharing life.

In an answered prayer to the Spirit's cry, God moved the conversation from my head to my heart. My Love leaned over and said to me, "Baby, why are you constantly trying to create perfection in your mind and control in your life, knowing that it'll all fail? Just share life with Me; that's all I really want." From there, I can truly share life with others.

One of my continual struggles is with the Pharisee within. As Beth Moore notes, "My head already knows all that...tell it to my heart." My deepest desire is to BE Mary of Bethany - sometimes quietly at His feet soaking in His Word. Sometimes to smash my alabaster box of life so my sweet dreams can touch Him. Just to really share the constant, beautiful and dirty details of life. The tears, the laughter, the raw honesty of words and worship.

I do not study His Word to try and better my life or even to live a life that pleases Him. I study His Word to know Him intimately; to know how to share all that I am with all that He is. Even after all this time, it remains a daily struggle of control...and He will keep me in that struggle until I let go of everything that holds me from holding Him. Constantly. Someone wrote, "When the illusion of control disappears we become men and women of prayer." Illusion vanish into intimacy. John Maxwell said, "The best thing is to be totally lost, only then can you be totally found." Who will lose one's life, will find it in Him (Matthew 16:25). Lost and found am I.

"Without faith, it is impossible (never going to happen) to please God." Hebrews 11:6. Day in and day out, I try to please God by leaning on my own my own understanding. There is no faith. There is no truth. There is no trust. There is no love. There is no heart. There is no peace, no joy, no passion, no relationship. I create in my mind that there is all of these things and I look to live up to them. Please understand that all of these already exist to the fullest measure in my heart, but not in my life because I allow my "head" to cloud my heart and all that is within.

Pharisee. Perfection. Delusion. Waste. I am filled with the union of the Creator and Christ of all that is, yet missing true Holiness that infiltrates every detail of my human life. Pea-brain intellect against Infinite Wisdom. All over my own stubborn control craving. The loss is mine alone. The choice is mine.

Love. Passion. Joy. Grace. Purity. Satisfaction. Completion. All that I am given breath and heartbeat to know moment by moment. Everything I've always wanted is here now.

I have so much to learn face down on the floor. As I find love, I share life. Natural a breathing. "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4

Enjoy Him, Michelle


Anonymous said...

Michelle, What you have just shared is the hardest to do, although I trust, BUT do I really, if put to the test would I pass? I can't even let go of some anger and forgive the things that I have experienced. I will keep steadfast on my journey to be closer to him.

Anonymous said...

The loss is not yours alone...those around us miss out on the Me God intends for me to be when I insist on trying (and failing) to be in control of my life. The Me He intends causes Glory to Him as that Me produces much fruit. The controlling me misses that mark and all those around me miss out. Rest in Christ alone in all means stop trying to be in charge...I'm trying to do that. I think it works better that way--more Glory for God and walking by faith as you said.

Michelle said...

...and we're back full circle to my frustrated friend who needs for her relationship to be of a life shared, not a life trying to control everything. It begins with me, then life can be shared with others as God intended and desires. First I must share life with Jesus, then from there, I can share the fruit of HIS SPIRIT that He produces in me. Loss to all without Him, gain to all with Him. Exactly. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I love that. I have to read your words over and over again for them to sink in... you are great with writing. Oh my gosh...I really hope you know how powerful your writing is, Keep it up! =) Who knows where it will take you

Anonymous said...

Wow, incredible! I just forwarded it to several friends-I think everyone can relate and learn. Thanks for the blessing! - J.D.

Anonymous said...

That was excellent and something I needed to see/think about/
be reminded of/start living. You really have a writing gift. - Linda